Four work days in and I am getting used to this Alaskan lifestyle.
I had an idea of what I would do up here. There was an image in my mind. There was Lonte and Jenn and the kid and I understood that place, I saw them all enjoying themselves but I didn't see such welcome in all of it. Work is great. I didn't know I could ever feel this sort of belonging, this feeling of welcome. Family means everything to these people in a way I couldn't describe. I never knew there could be such immediate trust between a group of people and another, myself most specifically.
I had told myself, my friends, that I wouldn't make waves when I came up. I would buy myself rice and eat plain rice and drink water, get lots of fruits and veggies when possible, maybe a bit of meat every now and then. I would do the chores and mind my business and try to not make a nuisance of myself. I had told myself I would still be alone in Alaska, even though I would be living with a family.
But this family of mine, up here... They didn't let that happen. They never knew my intentions to be all solitary when I came up. I didn't tell them till dinner tonight that I hadn't planned on allowing myself to be part of the family until they pulled me into it. Jenn thought it was silly. I'm just glad I haven't worn out my welcome yet.
I'm learning, getting rid of a lot of pieces of me that I should have a while ago... Getting rid of some history about myself that has been detrimental to me this whole time. Parts of me, like weighted chains, are falling from my shoulders; attachments that stuck me to my old ways of thinking. I didn't know they were so easy to slip before but I'm gradually coming to see where my path is to lead me. I have been climbing a mountain my whole life to follow this strange path life hs set in front of me and I have reached the peak. There are other mountains I must traverse but, for now, I will be more than happy to look over the peak and enjoy what I am to walk across. I can see my path of life better than I ever have. I know where to go. I am glad of it. Things are much more clear now that I have figured myself out a bit.
Other night I was at a friend of lonte's place. At one point we were talking about guns and I picked up one and thought the bullets in it were the spark caps (the fake ones so you can practice reloading and such) but that had been the OTHER revolver. I fired off in the place, thought I was gonna get chewed out hardcore,. Lonte's friend was yelling where it shot, I pointed. The world around me had exploded in black fuzz and dust and I had immediately put the gun down.
It was scary but they told me not to beat myself up over it. I owe Lonte's friend a new card table (they found the bullet later lodged in the metal leg). Everyone has an AD at some point, I was told. It shattered my world for a bit, that I had been so negligent, not checking, asking to make sure. I have always had the thought deeply buried in my mind, roots farthest down, that guns kill people when used wrong, never to pointt a gun in ANYONE'S direction, even if I knew it was completely empty. They told me, "At least nobody got hurt." and indeed that was what I was most glad for. I kept thinking, "I could have killed someone!"
And from here on out I'll be even more careful. At one point his friend's wife told me, "I hope this hasn't put you off guns. Cause you still need one." At which point Lonte and his friend nodded and his friend said, "Ya, this is Alaska, having a gun up here is the difference between life and death." Earlier on he had told me, "You're on the food chain up here, and not the top three sort of link either." Apparently a woman this year or last year (I can't recall exactly) was on her morning jog and got run down and torn apart by a pack of wolves. Scary stuff. Last year a man walked out of a place only to run face first into a moose mother and calf. He got stomped to death before he even knew what was happening. Alaska's dangerous but guns are moreso.
First rules Kiddies: The gun is always loaded and ALWAYS check it before you handle it!
All that said I can pay for another card table now if not eventually. I'll be more careful. I hope to come back a quieter, more cautious and sensibly minded individual. I intend it, in point of fact..
I hope all of you are enjoying your lives. Don't take advantage of them and don't be stupid. If you have a question, ask it, especiallly when it has to do with firearms.
All that aside, I hear they're wall mounting the table as "My First Kill." I should feel so lucky.
Yours,
Dag
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
One Day Down, A Whole Summer To Go
First day of work today. Sad I haven't had the will to post up the past couple days but who's perfect?
It was a good day. Had a blower the entire time so I just blew gravel into the center of driveway parking lots and the like. First place we went to is the complex I'm staying at. I was able to change out the heavy coat there for my lighter hoodie as we went to the next side and stopped for lunch. Tasty sandwich and the best berries I have ever had in my life later I got back to work. I have to say there's something very rewarding about doing a day of work, not talking or doing anything other than the labor. Come back home and felt like you've done something with your day.
When we were done and I had to go to the bank to establish accounts and direct deposits I mentioned to the personal banker they gave me that I needed his signature for the paperwork back at the office. Without a second's wait he snapped into, "Oh ya, I'll hook you up," and proceeded to walk off to get some stuff. Came back a bit later. Took too long. Opened up another savings (a long term and short term) and got a checking again as my last had been shut down due to lack of funds.
Wasn't particularly impressed but it was alright. Tomorrow we'll be back and get it right, possibly with a different banker. Had to watch a safety movie for work as well. Boring basic stuff. Read the material, lift with the legs not the back, don't chop your finger off. Sad thing is there must have been stupid people who actually did this stuff. I feel sorry for them. What did they have to explain themselves for? "Well... I just saw something was stoppin up the motor and thought to reach on under into the spinning mower blades real fast to pull it out..." WHO DOES THAT? Isn't that common sense? Guess it isn't as common as it should be. Then again nostalgia isn't what it used to be either... Funny how that works.
You know you're always right about the hard work being rewarding by itself as well when you take the best shower of your life shortly afterward and the water's black. I was so dirty and I'm probably going to be the same way tomorrow and the next and after that and so on. All for eleven, count it, eleven dollars an hour. Not what I wanted but better than I've ever had. I'll deal.
And i'm good with it. I'm very good with it, in fact. I'm glad I finally have a job in a place where I just can't stop smiling with people who love and appreciate me right away for me. Didn't happen as much as I would have liked as regularly back home. It's a very nurturing environment, something I've always known the theoretical dynamics of but never experienced. There's a difference between theory and practice. And, for the first time in my remembrance, I cried tears of joy last night. Nobody saw, it was only three and I wiped them off quickly but that feeling, overwhelming happiness for feeling like I belonged right where I was, even though we were watching Law And ORder: SVU or whatever like I'm sure millions, hundreds of millions of families do ALL THE TIME, I couldn't hold them in. It;s something I've never felt.
There was no pressure in any of it. I had said, "I've never had brothers before." and Jenn tells me, "You always had brothers, you just didn't know it."
Now it was weirdest for me because in my family it doesn't matter how much blood lies between you. If I've never met you I'm not gonna chum up to you in a day. But that's what they did for me. They saw me, acknowledged me and accepted me for all I was, flaws and otherwise. They didn't care. They knew me to be family and there was nothing else they could see me as. I'd never been here till this last week but it's already home to me. I may want to do this every summer, and definitely some winters! We'll see.
Sushi night tonight! More expensive than down home but nonethjeless it was a veritable feast. Gotta say, the Miso soup needs work... Any ol' place can make a bunch of rolls but the true caliber of a sushi restaurant should be decided by the first dish: Miso Soup. It was thin, should have had thicker chunks of tofu and more seaweed. I looked at Lonte at that moment and we shrugged. Good moment. No resentment of thin miso soup. Too obsessed with the Mango Madness Roll!
Despite all the hardships that go by, the potential chance to start something negative, to pull me back into the world of dissatisfaction and depression, I can't. I've tried to think "What could make me mad right now?" but afterward seventy million me voices scream out "Why would you be unhappy here? Holy wow, dag it's freakin beautiful! I think that's some thinking you just need to get over dude, This isn't your OLD life, This is Alaska! And when I go home I'm taking that mentality with mebecause it'll be kcon and all! So many people I haven't seen and all that backwards momentum all forgotten or used up in my absence. I'll make a fresh start.
Until then, though, I'm happy. 'll take it day by day and come back wealthy with assets and wisdom.
Yours,
Dag
It was a good day. Had a blower the entire time so I just blew gravel into the center of driveway parking lots and the like. First place we went to is the complex I'm staying at. I was able to change out the heavy coat there for my lighter hoodie as we went to the next side and stopped for lunch. Tasty sandwich and the best berries I have ever had in my life later I got back to work. I have to say there's something very rewarding about doing a day of work, not talking or doing anything other than the labor. Come back home and felt like you've done something with your day.
When we were done and I had to go to the bank to establish accounts and direct deposits I mentioned to the personal banker they gave me that I needed his signature for the paperwork back at the office. Without a second's wait he snapped into, "Oh ya, I'll hook you up," and proceeded to walk off to get some stuff. Came back a bit later. Took too long. Opened up another savings (a long term and short term) and got a checking again as my last had been shut down due to lack of funds.
Wasn't particularly impressed but it was alright. Tomorrow we'll be back and get it right, possibly with a different banker. Had to watch a safety movie for work as well. Boring basic stuff. Read the material, lift with the legs not the back, don't chop your finger off. Sad thing is there must have been stupid people who actually did this stuff. I feel sorry for them. What did they have to explain themselves for? "Well... I just saw something was stoppin up the motor and thought to reach on under into the spinning mower blades real fast to pull it out..." WHO DOES THAT? Isn't that common sense? Guess it isn't as common as it should be. Then again nostalgia isn't what it used to be either... Funny how that works.
You know you're always right about the hard work being rewarding by itself as well when you take the best shower of your life shortly afterward and the water's black. I was so dirty and I'm probably going to be the same way tomorrow and the next and after that and so on. All for eleven, count it, eleven dollars an hour. Not what I wanted but better than I've ever had. I'll deal.
And i'm good with it. I'm very good with it, in fact. I'm glad I finally have a job in a place where I just can't stop smiling with people who love and appreciate me right away for me. Didn't happen as much as I would have liked as regularly back home. It's a very nurturing environment, something I've always known the theoretical dynamics of but never experienced. There's a difference between theory and practice. And, for the first time in my remembrance, I cried tears of joy last night. Nobody saw, it was only three and I wiped them off quickly but that feeling, overwhelming happiness for feeling like I belonged right where I was, even though we were watching Law And ORder: SVU or whatever like I'm sure millions, hundreds of millions of families do ALL THE TIME, I couldn't hold them in. It;s something I've never felt.
There was no pressure in any of it. I had said, "I've never had brothers before." and Jenn tells me, "You always had brothers, you just didn't know it."
Now it was weirdest for me because in my family it doesn't matter how much blood lies between you. If I've never met you I'm not gonna chum up to you in a day. But that's what they did for me. They saw me, acknowledged me and accepted me for all I was, flaws and otherwise. They didn't care. They knew me to be family and there was nothing else they could see me as. I'd never been here till this last week but it's already home to me. I may want to do this every summer, and definitely some winters! We'll see.
Sushi night tonight! More expensive than down home but nonethjeless it was a veritable feast. Gotta say, the Miso soup needs work... Any ol' place can make a bunch of rolls but the true caliber of a sushi restaurant should be decided by the first dish: Miso Soup. It was thin, should have had thicker chunks of tofu and more seaweed. I looked at Lonte at that moment and we shrugged. Good moment. No resentment of thin miso soup. Too obsessed with the Mango Madness Roll!
Despite all the hardships that go by, the potential chance to start something negative, to pull me back into the world of dissatisfaction and depression, I can't. I've tried to think "What could make me mad right now?" but afterward seventy million me voices scream out "Why would you be unhappy here? Holy wow, dag it's freakin beautiful! I think that's some thinking you just need to get over dude, This isn't your OLD life, This is Alaska! And when I go home I'm taking that mentality with mebecause it'll be kcon and all! So many people I haven't seen and all that backwards momentum all forgotten or used up in my absence. I'll make a fresh start.
Until then, though, I'm happy. 'll take it day by day and come back wealthy with assets and wisdom.
Yours,
Dag
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
First post, Day 4
The Day is April 16th, 2012. Around Six pm.
It is today that I am starting the blog on my time in Anchorage, Alaska.
It was only last summer that I met my biological father, Lonte, for the first time. I have always been skeptical throughout my life of what I would do if I ever met my biodad. Some weeks I said I didn't care, some I have said I want to speak with him and ask him why he's not tried to contact me before. Sometimes i told people I would become rich and hire private investigators to find him and let me meet him and even other times I said I would just punch him in the face and throw down for him never trying to know me.
Well I did throw down with him. when we met; a good spar in the yard my partner eventually told me to "do it" and I amped it up a notch. We chilled and talked. He stayed in town a few days before I wished him farewell.
And at some point afterward he asked me if I was interested in coming up for a job since Oregon Economy sucks so bad and he could find me a job landscaping for 14 an hour. I told him that if I didn't have a steady job by April I'd take it and they arranged to fly me up, my mother, sister and Lonte all pitchin in so long as I pay my way back down, which I eagerly agreed to the terms of.
And on Friday, April 13th I took the flight up. I got in at midnight thirty and stayed up for a while with Lonte. We talked, he showed me some stuff, showed me the place and where I would be sleeping. He treated me immediately like a son, like I'd just been here the whole time but somehow didn't know where anything was. It warmed me. I didn't get it but I knew I loved it already.
The air was cleaner than my nose had ever processed, the sky darker and more star-filled than anywhere in the Portland Metro area. The mountains I had seen in Oregon; the constant line of range in every direction, didn't compare to the few short ranges I could see, epitomously (Not a word, I know, but it is now) sticking out of the horizon with near blinding clarity even to my night blind eyes. Poor vision aside I could see the peaks and switchbacks, ridges and cliff sides as though I were on them in the light of day. The ground off the roads proper was a dirty white, more snow than I ever remember seeing in all of my life, walls shovelled into place that could easily have been twice my height. I couldn't stop smiling. I had always known I was meant to be in the Cold, I just never knew how much.
I went to sleep that night and only an hour later I awoke on the couch I would sleep on the next night as well to look into the face of my youngest brother. He looks exactly like me at that age. He stared at me, eyes wide, mouth agape until he noticed his presence had roused me and said "Hi David." I said, "You're Sebastian." he nodded and we shook hands before he went back to bed. Gideon I met the next morning, looks just like me at that age as well, same mannerisms and everything for both of them. I was amazed how much these things that I thought were mine alone were very much traits of others, From my biological father to my half brothers.
I got to know the dogs and the kids. I quickly gained a following. They won't leave me alone for the life of em if I don't remind them to give me space. In time that may or may not change but it pleased me how quickly they welcomed me as their brother. I've never had brothers nor ever been the older sibling. The feeling of belonging hadn't changed a bit around me.
We went to church that morning. I'm not much of a christian individual. I don't really use thee name of god as I call upon the name of "Gods." i don't think there's only one true god but I support strongly the foundation of the christian faith and I've always thought the ten commandments were a solid key to a productive lifestyle. Lonte was in a skit on the stage. It was fun to watch but had good messages under it all. The resolution of conflict and working things out for the sake of peace between people, it was nice. I sang the songs, played the part of a good church goer. At one point the pastor talked about how, in the garden of Eden god made man and then "Being god he knew that man was not meant, in his man styled form of thought and action, to be without a woman." I was the first to chuckle and he pointed right at me. "You know what I'm talking about!" Blatantly clear in his eyes though he said nothing in response as the rest of the church chuckled after me.
Afterward we shopped. They asked me what I wanted, picked up stuff off the shelves just for me saying I generally liked it, bought me shampoo and conditioner (Because you know my hair will kill itself without it) and talked with me about things as we paraded the cart and kids around the costco store. We met some people from church, which I gathered was normal, before going back.
And for the next day nothing really happened. We went up to a nice ocean overlook, talked about things while Jenn took care of the kids back home. On Monday I went and applied for work, took a UA, talked to the people I would come to work with. Jenn (Who I never knew was a massage therapist) gave me a massage and my tense shoulder blades turned to melted butter. And I didn't even have to pay.
Last night I said, "I'm gonna steal one of these sesame treats and Jenn said "How can you steal something from your own home." I nervously responded with, "Well it isn't really mine. It's yours." She countered with, "Where do you live right now." A responded with "here." and she said, "Then it's your home too." Three days in and I was afraid it would all stop, that at some point I would just wake up back home in my room to the noises of my roommates and sigh that usual sigh of the monotony that is my home before begrudgingly going out to deal with the world.
But I went to sleep and awoke to find myself getting primed for my interview where Lonte works and it went great! At the end they shook my hand and said "Welcome to the team." Don't get to work till my US comes in but that's only be the rest of the week. I start next week. It's not a dream at all.
I have sacrificed myself to dish duty and any other chores they would put me through. I understand, even if I plan to pay rent here, that there is such a thing as wearing out one's welcome and I don't plan for that to happen during my stay so far as I can help it. When I go to my sister's place I do a load of dishes a day. It is only right that I keep to that ideal here as well. For this opportunity; a job and a good four months of hard work on my resume, I'm more than willing to bust my rear at work, home and everywhere in between if I can just think of it as the beautiful dream vacation I've always wanted. Something active where I don't stagnate too much and gain some good material for self progression. If I must come back home from this sweet dream then let my absence teach me how to become a better person back home as well.
Of what happens tomorrow I cannot know for certain but I am glad to be here, glad to have a job and to be part of a family. It's something I've wished for for a long time, I think before I could make wishes. That aside I will continue to update this blog until I leave. Hopefully every day.
My goal for the summer is to trim down and tone up, get a new laptop for myself and sort my life out so I won't be in shock when I return.
Yours,
Dag
It is today that I am starting the blog on my time in Anchorage, Alaska.
It was only last summer that I met my biological father, Lonte, for the first time. I have always been skeptical throughout my life of what I would do if I ever met my biodad. Some weeks I said I didn't care, some I have said I want to speak with him and ask him why he's not tried to contact me before. Sometimes i told people I would become rich and hire private investigators to find him and let me meet him and even other times I said I would just punch him in the face and throw down for him never trying to know me.
Well I did throw down with him. when we met; a good spar in the yard my partner eventually told me to "do it" and I amped it up a notch. We chilled and talked. He stayed in town a few days before I wished him farewell.
And at some point afterward he asked me if I was interested in coming up for a job since Oregon Economy sucks so bad and he could find me a job landscaping for 14 an hour. I told him that if I didn't have a steady job by April I'd take it and they arranged to fly me up, my mother, sister and Lonte all pitchin in so long as I pay my way back down, which I eagerly agreed to the terms of.
And on Friday, April 13th I took the flight up. I got in at midnight thirty and stayed up for a while with Lonte. We talked, he showed me some stuff, showed me the place and where I would be sleeping. He treated me immediately like a son, like I'd just been here the whole time but somehow didn't know where anything was. It warmed me. I didn't get it but I knew I loved it already.
The air was cleaner than my nose had ever processed, the sky darker and more star-filled than anywhere in the Portland Metro area. The mountains I had seen in Oregon; the constant line of range in every direction, didn't compare to the few short ranges I could see, epitomously (Not a word, I know, but it is now) sticking out of the horizon with near blinding clarity even to my night blind eyes. Poor vision aside I could see the peaks and switchbacks, ridges and cliff sides as though I were on them in the light of day. The ground off the roads proper was a dirty white, more snow than I ever remember seeing in all of my life, walls shovelled into place that could easily have been twice my height. I couldn't stop smiling. I had always known I was meant to be in the Cold, I just never knew how much.
I went to sleep that night and only an hour later I awoke on the couch I would sleep on the next night as well to look into the face of my youngest brother. He looks exactly like me at that age. He stared at me, eyes wide, mouth agape until he noticed his presence had roused me and said "Hi David." I said, "You're Sebastian." he nodded and we shook hands before he went back to bed. Gideon I met the next morning, looks just like me at that age as well, same mannerisms and everything for both of them. I was amazed how much these things that I thought were mine alone were very much traits of others, From my biological father to my half brothers.
I got to know the dogs and the kids. I quickly gained a following. They won't leave me alone for the life of em if I don't remind them to give me space. In time that may or may not change but it pleased me how quickly they welcomed me as their brother. I've never had brothers nor ever been the older sibling. The feeling of belonging hadn't changed a bit around me.
We went to church that morning. I'm not much of a christian individual. I don't really use thee name of god as I call upon the name of "Gods." i don't think there's only one true god but I support strongly the foundation of the christian faith and I've always thought the ten commandments were a solid key to a productive lifestyle. Lonte was in a skit on the stage. It was fun to watch but had good messages under it all. The resolution of conflict and working things out for the sake of peace between people, it was nice. I sang the songs, played the part of a good church goer. At one point the pastor talked about how, in the garden of Eden god made man and then "Being god he knew that man was not meant, in his man styled form of thought and action, to be without a woman." I was the first to chuckle and he pointed right at me. "You know what I'm talking about!" Blatantly clear in his eyes though he said nothing in response as the rest of the church chuckled after me.
Afterward we shopped. They asked me what I wanted, picked up stuff off the shelves just for me saying I generally liked it, bought me shampoo and conditioner (Because you know my hair will kill itself without it) and talked with me about things as we paraded the cart and kids around the costco store. We met some people from church, which I gathered was normal, before going back.
And for the next day nothing really happened. We went up to a nice ocean overlook, talked about things while Jenn took care of the kids back home. On Monday I went and applied for work, took a UA, talked to the people I would come to work with. Jenn (Who I never knew was a massage therapist) gave me a massage and my tense shoulder blades turned to melted butter. And I didn't even have to pay.
Last night I said, "I'm gonna steal one of these sesame treats and Jenn said "How can you steal something from your own home." I nervously responded with, "Well it isn't really mine. It's yours." She countered with, "Where do you live right now." A responded with "here." and she said, "Then it's your home too." Three days in and I was afraid it would all stop, that at some point I would just wake up back home in my room to the noises of my roommates and sigh that usual sigh of the monotony that is my home before begrudgingly going out to deal with the world.
But I went to sleep and awoke to find myself getting primed for my interview where Lonte works and it went great! At the end they shook my hand and said "Welcome to the team." Don't get to work till my US comes in but that's only be the rest of the week. I start next week. It's not a dream at all.
I have sacrificed myself to dish duty and any other chores they would put me through. I understand, even if I plan to pay rent here, that there is such a thing as wearing out one's welcome and I don't plan for that to happen during my stay so far as I can help it. When I go to my sister's place I do a load of dishes a day. It is only right that I keep to that ideal here as well. For this opportunity; a job and a good four months of hard work on my resume, I'm more than willing to bust my rear at work, home and everywhere in between if I can just think of it as the beautiful dream vacation I've always wanted. Something active where I don't stagnate too much and gain some good material for self progression. If I must come back home from this sweet dream then let my absence teach me how to become a better person back home as well.
Of what happens tomorrow I cannot know for certain but I am glad to be here, glad to have a job and to be part of a family. It's something I've wished for for a long time, I think before I could make wishes. That aside I will continue to update this blog until I leave. Hopefully every day.
My goal for the summer is to trim down and tone up, get a new laptop for myself and sort my life out so I won't be in shock when I return.
Yours,
Dag
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