Swing

My apologies for being absent from my posting. I've been thinking, living, being.

I used to think to live was to fight. Then I thought to live was to win and then to gain. Now I understand it's none of those; So far as I can tell, To Live is to Be. There isn't much I do or don't do, only that I am and therefor I will do eventually, if not right now. Some things I am coming to understand and others entirely I am just finding. Some I'm even beginning to understand less. I'm fortunate those are the the things I want to understand less.

I've fallen into this needless swing of things, just moving through life. I think this is what I feared when I was younger, this fear of simply being part of the cycle. I wanted to be unique and I realized that everyone else was unique too... Makes me a lot less unique thinking like that. And I'm not all that special. But I am doing what I should be doing at this age; preparing fr my latter years, fending for myself to a degree and simply doing my job, coming home and doing what I normally do. It's this gradual circle I do everyday: Get up, brush my teeth, go to work, come back home, (Maybe chill with a friend in between)

I've seen some crazy things yet, for some reason, I don't feel like writing them down. Some of them seem like those crazy old man stories... others... well I guess I just don't feel it would be real enough to try to explain. I think, when I get back home in Beaverton, I'll be something different than when I left. The north, the light, the constant need to improve myself or be cast away in my mind and possibly other's minds... I think it's changed me to be up here and I'd be lying iof I said that didn't scare me a bit. I'm afraid that it'll all go back to the way it was, the home I didn't like living in...

Still I know that it camnnot be that way. I'm coming to face my fears in this world. I enjoy living this newer, more independent life.

Things Are...

My life keeps flowing up here in Alaska. It's a different day, same thing most days. The things that are normal are exceedingly uneventful but when events happen I'm afraid my skills as a writer are lacking to explain them. I don't think any word in any language could describe how I see these few things that catch me. Blaack bear mothers and cubs. Standing no more than eight feet from a moose mother and baby with only the option of walking past calmly with my weedwacker. It almost seems normal to see them but they are still captivating.

Going camping this weekend. looking forward to it. Hope I don't get attacked by bears; hope if I do I give 'em hell. I'll be doing some more fishing and also be doing a goodly deal of basic hiking.

It seems interesting that I'm acclimating so well yet there are these indescribable things. I wouldn't do them justice to try to spell it out, these sights. What can I say? A picture doesn't say enough. You have to be there.

Alaska is a wild wonderland with human inhabitants. Humans aren't on the top of the food chain up here, they're not even close. The Last Frontier truly is still wild. The City of Anchorage can't even be considered a big city, a tenth the population of the Portland Metro; and Anchorage's city limits are orders of magnitude larger. Moose will walk through properties I work at like they own the place and ya know, they really do. This is their home, not ours. We, as the human race, just ty to push in where we can. People still die from moose, bears and wolves every year up here and, half the time, there's either nothing they could have done, they were unprapared or stupid.

Man walked out of a community center a year or so back, I heard first night I was here, stepped outside and was immediately stomped to death because he couldn't have seen the mother moose and baby moose around the sharop corner. Comes out two feet in front of them; game over.
Nature still rules this place and it saved the pretty stuff for up here. When I come back down I'll be home again but I will feel a primal emptiness in my hindbrain. Something of me will stay behind here, of what I cannot yet know,

Weekends, Good Stuff

I am coming to enjoy my weekends more and more these past couple weeks. As the week goes by the days drag on a little more and I find that point where I'm sure I'll go insane creeping up in front of me but I never reach it.

Payday's on Tuesday and I am probably going to get my airplane ticket this check or the next. After that it's straight to saving for a laptop, which I have seen to be cheaper than I expected. This is good ^^ That's two paychecks in. I have decided, also, that I am coming back on august 25th instead of 15th so I can get a full pay period on my bank before I leave work. It's cheaper as well. I'll only have a week to enjoy time back before I have to get all busy again but it's worth it for the money I'll be getting so that i can successfully set myself back up at home.

No News Is Good News

Life quite uneventful... Almost boring but not. I have reached a place of momentary contendedness where nothing is appropriately of note.

Sense Of Time

Was sick tuesday, pretty bad feeling. All sorts of stuffed up so I left work at noon to get sleep aand sauna time. Needed to get better.
Feel much better today, day just soared by. Monday the day soared by as well but Lonte felt like it dragged on. I wonder what it is that makes two different people experience thee flow of time in a single day differently. Surely there are more than a few variables. There must be something that perpetuates this slowness in activity during the day in one person's mind when another notices a quickness.
Other news I stood not twenty feet from a moose on the job today. I was raking in a yard and a person smoking on their balcony caled down "Hey, you guys got some company."
Huge female moose walked right by us, staring knowingly at us for a bit but not really slowing down. She clearly knew she could stomp me and my cowoker flat in a second and a half, felt like she had the lay of the land. Walked up to a nearby tree, nibbled on it a moment, walked off. Cool experience, bigger than the last moose I saw up close, by a good foot at the shoulder
Days are going by more easily. I'm glad I ook the rest of the day off yesterday but I won't let myself take ay more time off for a while. I need to work and earn my keep, payy my rent and save up money for a good foundation to return to when I come home. Need a new phone and laptop too...

Been talking with my grandfather over emails and talking to new friends online as of late. Got Lonte's friend a new card table finally. He seems to like it.

Not much horribly out of the ordinary

Yours,
Dag

Mother's Day and Gospel

First of all I have several people in my life that deserve the thankings and Mother's Day wishing. Happy Mother's Day, first of all, to my mother; who bore me and without which I would not exist. Happy Mother's Day to my sister; who was always there when she could when the bad time came around. She a little gruff but aren't we all? Seldom does anything come from her mouth that isn't silly that isn't correct and thought about. To Jenn, Lonte's wife, for she is my step-motheer, has accepted me into her home and family, bought nice things for me, gave me this chance for success and EVEN gave me a free massage, which was awesome. Without her I would not be here in Alaska. I give her part of may check to cover my expenses, do chores, so on. It's a symbiosis she has allowed me to keep.

Finally, in family matters, My Grandmother; who I only get to see about once a year and am passing up the chance to go to Michigan this year for this job opportunity. Next year I will plan better around the rest of the family. However, I know that right now they she is proud of me having done this job and being productive. My Grandma was there before us all and without which none of this cycle could have even gotten started. The dynamics between all of us are ultimately dependent on her decisions in the past. She is a wonderful woman and I hope she lives another 30 years! If not more. And to her dying day she'll be in her garden doing what she loves or at the donation center helping people.

I love you all very much and I am so happy to have you all in my life. Even if the times are sometimes rocky they all even out at the end of the day. We all love each other and that's what mattters.

And to the fifth person, for whom all of the above general statements still apply, You are my roommate and a true friend of me. Even if you slip sometimes I slip so much more. Though you're not a woman you ARE a mother figure, at least in my home and nobody would deny it. Whether the motherliness is making the place look pretty, nagging kids to get things dopne or booting the chicks out of the nest when it's time to go, you do it while I am away in some far away making war with wild bears and cleaning up lawns and driveways so I can make a living. How sweet of you ^^ You totally get props.


On an afternote:
I am doing well, changing, maturing, becoming less of something I was yesterday and more of something I have vowed to be tomorrow. I am hearing more things I like and gaining the ability to, in short time, shrug off the negativities of the world. There's some hard egocentricity in this world, things that are programmed into us RIGHT from birth or possibly just a bit afterward. Some people are just going to be negative to you in subtle but devastating ways because it gives them a childish sense of glee. A lot of our popular culture is based around selfishness and indulgence. Couple weeks ago I heard a song lyric that sums what our culture teaches our children through the media, "Living In Sin Is The Newest Big Thing." Steer clear of this mentality. It's right on the radio, any popular station you turn to, or at least was at one point but it, as a mindset, is NOT condusve to a healthy, fruitful lifestyle. It will drain you of your money, physical health, spiritual connection, emotional drive and mental potential. Ya, we're talking ALL facets of life here.

Now I'm not saying don't kick back a beer every so often. I'm a flawed individual, I have my own little indulgences. But they are exactly those, "Little" indulgences. Heck, every once in a while I have been known to have a REAL bash, within which something really stupid may or may not happen. Case and point, I recently had a crash in mentality and faith where I was confused and worried for my status in life as well as divinity. This happened right after a moment of indulgence and a lack of forethought based on childish whimsy. After not horribly long I went to the wisest man in my life, my Grandfather, and ased him help. Being a very devout christian our viewpoints are subtly different in many aspects. However, we both believe that to love everyone is god(s) will in truth, more or less.

I thought on what my grandfather has told me and am thinking on it constantly. It is enough to instill within me my faith once more, that much more solid and tangible in my mortal eyes. It is important to not life an unproductive life of indulgence and imbalance but even more important to live a life of love and compassion. If you slip up, remember that if your emotions are true and loving then there is some way to fix the problem. If it is clear that other prties are not willing to reciprocate then you should stay away from them. That barring there is one thing the Gods gave us lips for if nothing else; to press together in silent defiance, only opening to spread love or provide positive affirmations.

And a month or so back I wouldn't have understood that but now I made it. How nice to see.

If it's not your gospel, though, it's mine. That's the way I will live my life. I will be compassionate and lead by example when possible. I'll learn to control when to use those lips the gods gave me and I will meditate perpetually on how to better myself in a way that helps others maintain an environment where they may nurture their own self betterment and happiness. If that takes becoming the president to change the world so kids don't beat each other up to and from school for whimsy, there ya go.
There is a balance that the universe will keep whether we like it or else. The more we try to actively screw with that balance in ourselves and others the more the universe will compensate for that imbalance, most times back through us. Negativity is a LOT harder to burn off than collect.
Simply Put:
You live a life of indulgence knowingly unproductive with the intent to live only for yourself and put anyone whose convenient down to get a personl rise you will die early, unhealthy, dissatisfied and without company to love you when you need it.
You live a life of productivity: Spreading love and compassion, providing for your family and friends as best you can, keep a couple small indulgences but work to improve yourself every time you can, work to avoid your past mistakes and safeguard against new ones influencing everything positively... Well even if you die early and unhealthy you will have friends and loved ones around you who you have known and proven to also be loving individuals who you only benefit from knowing. If all we do is love, there is no room for mistakes to taint the purity of our minds.

The time of the great thinkers is not over, we have simply allowed it to atrophy. If we are to turn the "information age" from the Age of Ignorance to the Age of Enlightenment then we must use the tools of our time for forward thinking. I would rather be wise than intelligent. We have so many resources that we misuse. Wield them properly together with skill and good intent and there is no limit to what the human race can do out of mutual good will.

A Modern Philosopher In-Training,
Dag

Riding Mowers and Vehicles

So that's the subject this update. Today I got to drive a riding mower, to different types; A john deere x320 and a Z-Track. Fun stuff. As I sat in the basic riding mower... well I've beenin a go-kart once or twice, even driven a car but I sadly don't have a liscenc and have some work before I get one. However, it made me yearn for the road. This thing could go fast enough for me to feel win of some sort in my hair. I wanted it more, faster, better. And I can't understand why I haven't been striving for such a thing as a car as I have for self betterment as of late in my life?

That little John Deere, though it was still a job and I had to do it right, was the first time I appreciated driving something. I felt a little freed. I could run as fast as this thing's max speed no problem but there was the luxury of not having to actually run as I dragged something behind me that scratched up the ground for airation. I can see why cars are so successful.

Then the Z-Track. That was twitchy as all getup, no steering wheel at all. Two handles that leaned out when the thing was inactive an when you put them together each side was controlled by one or the other. So I thought: Do it like Katamari Damacy: Worked like a dream. I just imagined I was the prince but instead of pushing something heavy around to suck up all the stuff I just tilted the sticks in my magic grass and debris sucker-upper of Landscaping. And you know what? Everytime I'm in that, I'm gonna listen to the opening theme, in my head! EVERY TIME! Needless to say, it very much brightened my mood and recent skeptic worldview. A bit of insignificant happy, correctly placed, makes a lot of the bad stuff no as important, or at least easier to handle.

I like my job and I like Alaska. Oregon's still my home but Alaska's where every vacation to somewhere I've already been is gonna be. And I'll even work while I'm here, because I'm even okay with that. This is a good vacation fromhome and I needed it.

Yours,
Dag

Understanding and Compromise

The days are only getting longer and I seem to be wearing down on this whole excitement bit already. I got to stand a couple dozen feet, if that, away from a bull moose. just yesterday and I had to hold back laughter. Why you ask; I was so awestruck by being that close to a piece of nature, so active, so vibrant in it's on earthy ways, that I had to stifling scoffing to believe if it was real. Once I remembered that I am, in point of fact, still real and here, I remembered this thing coud really stomp me to death in a couple seconds.

Lonte told me "God forbid, if that moose starts chargin us, for whatever reason, you just find a good strong tree," He indicated the gnarled old wide tree we stood next to, half broken down but big enough and awkwardly placed in such a way that if a moose tripped over it the poor thing would probably break a leg or two, "and just keep that tree between it and you."

"They don't do that run around tree ting very well?" I asked

"Nah," he whispered back at me, "Not really all that good at the whatchamacallit." I had to stifle a laugh then but the moose didn't seem to hear nor care, though I don't know how, we were so close.

Though this was an amazing thing and probably won't wear itself out in any amount of time I woke this morning feeling a bit more tired than I woke up yesterday. (Which has been a consistency in my life since arriving) However, it is steadier, easier to change to than the day to days of back home, the chaos that I had allowed it to become. I'll definitely go back but Alaska is having a weathering affect on me. I feel when I come back I'll be used to a gradual wear and tear. I think the craziness back home will affect me less, especially since I'll be going back to a husehold of three to manage instead of seven... I'm glad for it.

On a similar note I am learning to exercise authority better; not more imposingly but with better compromise.  I'm far away from trying to be a parent and instead trying to be an older brother. Gone, at least for the summer, are the days of Uncle David. Big Brother is the word now. I don't have the same rights a parent does, obviously. I can't doll out spankings nor would I want to if I could. But I have the ability to hold the status of what they have done over them, if only as a reminder of what they should be doing. When things get rocky I don't lash out though I have noticed myself raising voice a few times, if only for emphasis. I'm put in charge as a babysitter, anything to help.

I haven't told anyone to go stand in a corner yet. I just keep the same solid tone, as I am not gonna back down, discourage whining and let the child know that it isn't going to sway the case and thereafter treat him like a person, if a person with overdeveloped sensitivities who doesn't understand all the concepts I do.

For instance; today I have been put on babysitting my youngest brother. I'm glad to say the kid is doing a great job of entertaining himself. He came to me after half the day of staring at a colorful slave box of one sort or the other (TV and Nintendo DS) and asked if he could watch TV. I told him I thought he'd been on electronics enough until his parents get back and he proceeded to whine and throw a mope session on the couch. I pretty much expected it and then sat down and we had a man to man talk, or as close to Icould have with him about convenience, what it was and how important his was over anyone else's; none. Nobody's comvenience was more important than anyone else's and how I wanted to compromise with him that he hadwasted half the day watching screens and now he just ha to wait until one of his parents back and then ask them.

This took about three minutes. Kid catches onto a good point quick. Afterward we had a few very good conversations; responsibility, adulthood. I hadn't exected this five year old kid brother of mine to know what so much was. He had a hard time grasping some things but the kid understands more than he likes us to give him credit for. To be fair, he wasn't supposed to be on the electronics anymore but that was a discretional thing that they would have agreed to. However, as we were talking about what it was to be an adult I mentioned how adults got to have cars

"Teenagers get to drive cars." he told me surely."

"Ya," I put in, "But teenagers get to drivemom and dad's car. Adults like mommy and daddy have their OWN cars." His eyes went wide like he was processing some gigantic truth. The sudden realization of it all looked like it was shocking his head off, "But," I then added beore the dogs started barking. I told them to "shut it" as Jenn walked into the house, "But being an adult means you have to get the car yourself. It's taking responsibility to get the things you want by yourself for yourself. Right Jenn?"

She didn't know at first but I reiterated and she answered, "Yep, that's pretty much it."

I hadn't though of beig a big brother before to the people in my life, "If Malakai's the mother," I have heard from more people than one, "Then Dag is DEFINITELY the father of this household."

I used to loom on it but what young adult respects their father? But big brother, that's an easier job indeed!  It's all about learning compromise and setting a good example, being a role model.

One time I told my partner, "I have viewed you as a role model, he who I model myself into the role of. You didn't ask for this and I have no right to hold you in such a place"

Well I did ask to be used as a role model; to the universe and sometimes, much to my disgust, other people who I have brainwashed myself into thinking need help from me directly, that they "need" to model themselves after me for some grandeur based illusion in my head but it isn't so. If I am to be aa king of my own life and role model to all people, reasonable or oherwise, I need to learn to be a big brother more, with compromise and abidance. I need to learn that not all people want to change and who am I to hoist my role onto them. Those who are role models don't ask; They simply act in the world they wish it to act in return to them. They want to be treated in such a way sothy treat all those they see the same way. "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." So said Ghandi.

Instead of being caught in the negativity of Expectation I will work to live in compassion and compromise.

Working With Myself

Discovering some tough little patches, more in my psyche than anything else. I'm accepting things about myself and denying other things that I've taken too long to come to terms wiith. Things are moving steadily in work but I'm not sure of myself. I don't feel I have much in common with people here.
Don't ask me why, just call it a hunch...
However, I see hope for myself. Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I've been reading a book called Wize Wayz For Teenz, which is more geared toward adults than anyone would think the cover would state. Full of happy little affirmations and handy quotes from figures from the bible to Albert Enstien to Ghandi and then some. It's a nice book and I implore people to read it

Lately I've had a fuzzy feeling in my head, like it was full of cotton but all the same thinking deeper, more clearly. It's not like I have a choice but my vision is brighter. (Not clearer but brighter)The things that stick out to me that I like are that much more prominent and the things that I dislike are better wreathed in my conscious mind. Things around me are changing in view, not that they are actually visibly changing but to my eyes, as of late, it might as well be different. Sometimes I look at things and see them caricatured. Sometimes I look at people when they are saying something hurtful or that I don't like and the air they breath becomes darker, even if their bodies are bright and pleasant to see.

I can't explain it but I think the way I'm going is best nonetheless. I am walking my path, whether or not it pleases me at this moment. I don't know why but something tells me it's how it's supposed to be. The voices in my head, the ones I use to think, not some schizo whatever, are clearer as well. I can  hear myself and the different fractions of my personality better. My coping mechanisms work more efficiently. Maybe I'm developing, maybe not.

There's an act of faith in it all, I suppose. If this is getting closer to enlightenment then it is something I simply CANNOT dwell upon. Something that I can't define if telling me to keep foing what I am doing and my logical mind is telling me that I'm not doing anything "wrong" yet I am experiencing self doubt more and more. Is this a challenge from "above" or just another bit of motion everyone must go through and find their own way into?

So this blog update, not so literal as philosophical. I guess it's a bunch of stuff I need to clear from my mind.

Slowly Getting Acclimated

Four work days in and I am getting used to this Alaskan lifestyle.
I had an idea of what I would do up here. There was an image in my mind. There was Lonte and Jenn and the kid and I understood that place, I saw them all enjoying themselves but I didn't see such welcome in all of it. Work is great. I didn't know I could ever feel this sort of belonging, this feeling of welcome. Family means everything to these people in a way I couldn't describe. I never knew there could be such immediate trust between a group of people and another, myself most specifically.

I had told myself, my friends, that I wouldn't make waves when I came up. I would buy myself rice and eat plain rice and drink water, get lots of fruits and veggies when possible, maybe a bit of meat every now and then. I would do the chores and mind my business and try to not make a nuisance of myself. I had told myself I would still be alone in Alaska, even though I would be living with a family.

But this family of mine, up here... They didn't let that happen. They never knew my intentions to be all solitary when I came up. I didn't tell them till dinner tonight that I hadn't planned on allowing myself to be part of the family until they pulled me into it. Jenn thought it was silly. I'm just glad I haven't worn out my welcome yet.

I'm learning, getting rid of a lot of pieces of me that I should have a while ago... Getting rid of some history about myself that has been detrimental to me this whole time. Parts of me, like weighted chains, are falling from my shoulders; attachments that stuck me to my old ways of thinking. I didn't know they were so easy to slip before but I'm gradually coming to see where my path is to lead me. I have been climbing a mountain my whole life to follow this strange path life hs set in front of me and I have reached the peak. There are other mountains I must traverse but, for now, I will be more than happy to look over the peak and enjoy what I am to walk across. I can see my path of life better than I ever have. I know where to go. I am glad of it. Things are much more clear now that I have figured myself out a bit.

Other night I was at a friend of lonte's place. At one point we were talking about guns and I picked up one and thought the bullets in it were the spark caps (the fake ones so you can practice reloading and such) but that had been the OTHER revolver. I fired off in the place, thought I was gonna get chewed out hardcore,. Lonte's friend was yelling where it shot, I pointed. The world around me had exploded in black fuzz and dust and I had immediately put the gun down.

It was scary but they told me not to beat myself up over it. I owe Lonte's friend a new card table (they found the bullet later lodged in the metal leg). Everyone has an AD at some point, I was told. It shattered my world for a bit, that I had been so negligent, not checking, asking to make sure. I have always had the thought deeply buried in my mind, roots farthest down, that guns kill people when used wrong, never to pointt a gun in ANYONE'S direction, even if I knew it was completely empty. They told me, "At least nobody got hurt." and indeed that was what I was most glad for. I kept thinking, "I could have killed someone!"

And from here on out I'll be even more careful. At one point his friend's wife told me, "I hope this hasn't put you off guns. Cause you still need one." At which point Lonte and his friend nodded and his friend said, "Ya, this is Alaska, having a gun up here is the difference between life and death." Earlier on he had told me, "You're on the food chain up here, and not the top three sort of link either." Apparently a woman this year or last year (I can't recall exactly) was on her morning jog and got run down and torn apart by a pack of wolves. Scary stuff. Last year a man walked out of a place only to run face first into a moose mother and calf. He got stomped to death before he even knew what was happening. Alaska's dangerous but guns are moreso.

First rules Kiddies: The gun is always loaded and ALWAYS check it before you handle it!

All that said I can pay for another card table now if not eventually. I'll be more careful. I hope to come back a quieter, more cautious and sensibly minded individual. I intend it, in point of fact..

I hope all of you are enjoying your lives. Don't take advantage of them and don't be stupid. If you have a question, ask it, especiallly when it has to do with firearms.

All that aside, I hear they're wall mounting the table as "My First Kill." I should feel so lucky.

Yours,
Dag

One Day Down, A Whole Summer To Go

First day of work today. Sad I haven't had the will to post up the past couple days but who's perfect?
It was a good day. Had a blower the entire time so I just blew gravel into the center of driveway parking lots and the like. First place we went to is the complex I'm staying at. I was able to change out the heavy coat there for my lighter hoodie as we went to the next side and stopped for lunch. Tasty sandwich and the best berries I have ever had in my life later I got back to work. I have to say there's something very rewarding about doing a day of work, not talking or doing anything other than the labor. Come back home and felt like you've done something with your day.

When we were done and I had to go to the bank to establish accounts and direct deposits I mentioned to the personal banker they  gave me that I needed his signature for the paperwork back at the office. Without a second's wait he snapped into, "Oh ya, I'll hook you up," and proceeded to walk off to get some stuff. Came back a bit later. Took too long. Opened up another savings (a long term and short term) and got a checking again as my last had been shut down due to lack of funds.

Wasn't particularly impressed but it was alright. Tomorrow we'll be back and get it right, possibly with a different banker. Had to watch a safety movie for work as well. Boring basic stuff. Read the material, lift with the legs not the back, don't chop your finger off. Sad thing is there must have been stupid people who actually did this stuff. I feel sorry for them. What did they have to explain themselves for? "Well... I just saw something was stoppin up the motor and thought to reach on under into the spinning mower blades real fast to pull it out..." WHO DOES THAT? Isn't that common sense?  Guess it isn't as common as it should be. Then again nostalgia isn't what it used to be either... Funny how that works.

You know you're always right about the hard work being rewarding by itself as well when you take the best shower of your life shortly afterward and the water's black. I was so dirty and I'm probably going to be the same way tomorrow and the next and after that and so on. All for eleven, count it, eleven dollars an hour. Not what I wanted but better than I've ever had. I'll deal.

And i'm good with it. I'm very good with it, in fact. I'm glad I finally have a job in a place where I just can't stop smiling with people who love and appreciate me right away for me. Didn't happen as much as I would have liked as regularly back home. It's a very nurturing environment, something I've always known the theoretical dynamics of but never experienced. There's a difference between theory and practice. And, for the first time in my remembrance, I cried tears of joy last night. Nobody saw, it was only three and I wiped them off quickly but that feeling, overwhelming happiness for feeling like I belonged right where I was, even though we were watching Law And ORder: SVU or whatever like I'm sure millions, hundreds of millions of families do ALL THE TIME, I couldn't hold them in. It;s something I've never felt.

There was no pressure in any of it. I had said, "I've never had brothers before." and Jenn tells me, "You always had brothers, you just didn't know it."

Now it was weirdest for me because in my family it doesn't matter how much blood lies between you. If I've never met you I'm not gonna chum up to you in a day. But that's what they did for me. They saw me, acknowledged me and accepted me for all I was, flaws and otherwise. They didn't care. They knew me to be family and there was nothing else they could see me as. I'd never been here till this last week but it's already home to me. I may want to do this every summer, and definitely some winters! We'll see.

Sushi night tonight! More expensive than down home but nonethjeless it was a veritable feast. Gotta say, the Miso soup needs work... Any ol' place can make a bunch of rolls but the true caliber of a sushi restaurant should be decided by the first dish: Miso Soup. It was thin, should have had thicker chunks of tofu and more seaweed. I looked at Lonte at that moment and we shrugged. Good moment. No resentment of thin miso soup. Too obsessed with the Mango Madness Roll!

Despite all the hardships that go by, the potential chance to start something negative, to pull me back into the world of dissatisfaction and depression, I can't. I've tried to think "What could make me mad right now?" but afterward seventy million me voices scream out "Why would you be unhappy here? Holy wow, dag it's freakin beautiful! I think that's some thinking you just need to get over dude, This isn't your OLD life, This is Alaska! And when I go home I'm taking that mentality with mebecause it'll be kcon and all! So many people I haven't seen and all that backwards momentum all forgotten or used up in my absence. I'll make a fresh start.

Until then, though, I'm happy. 'll take it day by day and come back wealthy with assets and wisdom.

Yours,
Dag

First post, Day 4

The Day is April 16th, 2012. Around Six pm.
It is today that I am starting the blog on my time in Anchorage, Alaska.

It was only last summer that I met my biological father, Lonte, for the first time. I have always been skeptical throughout my life of what I would do if I ever met my biodad. Some weeks I said I didn't care, some I have said I want to speak with him and ask him why he's not tried to contact me before. Sometimes i told people I would become rich and hire private investigators to find him and let me meet him and even other times I said I would just punch him in the face and throw down for him never trying to know me.

Well I did throw down with him. when we met; a good spar in the yard my partner eventually told me to "do it" and I amped it up a notch. We chilled and talked. He stayed in town a few days before I wished him farewell.

And at some point afterward he asked me if I was interested in coming up for a job since Oregon Economy sucks so bad and he could find me a job landscaping for 14 an hour. I told him that if I didn't have a steady job by April I'd take it and they arranged to fly me up, my mother, sister and Lonte all pitchin in so long as I pay my way back down, which I eagerly agreed to the terms of.

And on Friday, April 13th I took the flight up. I got in at midnight thirty and stayed up for a while with Lonte. We talked, he showed me some stuff, showed me the place and where I would be sleeping. He treated me immediately like a son, like I'd just been here the whole time but somehow didn't know where anything was. It warmed me. I didn't get it but I knew I loved it already.

The air was cleaner than my nose had ever processed, the sky darker and more star-filled than anywhere in the Portland Metro area. The mountains I had seen in Oregon; the constant line of range in every direction, didn't compare to the few short ranges I could see, epitomously (Not a word, I know, but it is now) sticking out of the horizon with near blinding clarity even to my night blind eyes. Poor vision aside I could see the peaks and switchbacks, ridges and cliff sides as though I were on them in the light of day. The ground off the roads proper was a dirty white, more snow than I ever remember seeing in all of my life, walls shovelled into place that could easily have been twice my height. I couldn't stop smiling. I had always known I was meant to be in the Cold, I just never knew how much.

I went to sleep that night and only an hour later I awoke on the couch I would sleep on the next night as well to look into the face of my youngest brother. He looks exactly like me at that age. He stared at me, eyes wide, mouth agape until he noticed his presence had roused me and said "Hi David." I said, "You're Sebastian." he nodded and we shook hands before he went back to bed. Gideon I met the next morning, looks just like me at that age as well, same mannerisms and everything for both of them. I was amazed how much these things that I thought were mine alone were very much traits of others, From my biological father to my half brothers.

I got to know the dogs and the kids. I quickly gained a following. They won't leave me alone for the life of em if I don't remind them to give me space. In time that may or may not change but it pleased me how quickly they welcomed me as their brother. I've never had brothers nor ever been the older sibling. The feeling of belonging hadn't changed a bit around me.

We went to church that morning. I'm not much of a christian individual. I don't really use thee name of god as I call upon the name of "Gods." i don't think there's only one true god but I support strongly the foundation of the christian faith and I've always thought the ten commandments were a solid key to a productive lifestyle. Lonte was in a skit on the stage. It was fun to watch but had good messages under it all. The resolution of conflict and working things out for the sake of peace between people, it was nice. I sang the songs, played the part of a good church goer. At one point the pastor talked about how, in the garden of Eden god made man and then "Being god he knew that man was not meant, in his man styled form of thought and action, to be without a woman." I was the first to chuckle and he pointed right at me. "You know what I'm talking about!" Blatantly clear in his eyes though he said nothing in response as the rest of the church chuckled after me.

Afterward we shopped. They asked me what I wanted, picked up stuff off the shelves just for me saying I generally liked it, bought me shampoo and conditioner (Because you know my hair will kill itself without it) and talked with me about things as we paraded the cart and kids around the costco store. We met some people from church, which I gathered was normal, before going back.

And for the next day nothing really happened. We went up to a nice ocean overlook, talked about things while Jenn took care of the kids back home. On Monday I went and applied for work, took a UA, talked to the people I would come to work with. Jenn (Who I never knew was a massage therapist) gave me a massage and my tense shoulder blades turned to melted butter. And I didn't even have to pay.

Last night I said, "I'm gonna steal one of these sesame treats and Jenn said "How can you steal something from your own home." I nervously responded with, "Well it isn't really mine. It's yours." She countered with, "Where do you live right now." A responded with "here." and she said, "Then it's your home too." Three days in and I was afraid it would all stop, that at some point I would just wake up back home in my room to the noises of my roommates and sigh that usual sigh of the monotony that is my home before begrudgingly going out to deal with the world.

But I went to sleep and awoke to find myself getting primed for my interview where Lonte works and it went great! At the end they shook my hand and said "Welcome to the team." Don't get to work till my US comes in but that's only be the rest of the week. I start next week. It's not a dream at all.

I have sacrificed myself to dish duty and any other chores they would put me through. I understand, even if I plan to pay rent here, that there is such a thing as wearing out one's welcome and I don't plan for that to happen during my stay so far as I can help it. When I go to my sister's place I do a load of dishes a day. It is only right that I keep to that ideal here as well. For this opportunity; a job and a good four months of hard work on my resume, I'm more than willing to bust my rear at work, home and everywhere in between if I can just think of it as the beautiful dream vacation I've always wanted. Something active where I don't stagnate too much and gain some good material for self progression. If I must come back home from this sweet dream then let my absence teach me how to become a better person back home as well.

Of what happens tomorrow I cannot know for certain but I am glad to be here, glad to have a job and to be part of a family. It's something I've wished for for a long time, I think before I could make wishes. That aside I will continue to update this blog until I leave. Hopefully every day.

My goal for the summer is to trim down and tone up, get a new laptop for myself and sort my life out so I won't be in shock when I return.

Yours,
Dag