Saturday, May 26, 2012
No News Is Good News
Life quite uneventful... Almost boring but not. I have reached a place of momentary contendedness where nothing is appropriately of note.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Sense Of Time
Was sick tuesday, pretty bad feeling. All sorts of stuffed up so I left work at noon to get sleep aand sauna time. Needed to get better.
Feel much better today, day just soared by. Monday the day soared by as well but Lonte felt like it dragged on. I wonder what it is that makes two different people experience thee flow of time in a single day differently. Surely there are more than a few variables. There must be something that perpetuates this slowness in activity during the day in one person's mind when another notices a quickness.
Other news I stood not twenty feet from a moose on the job today. I was raking in a yard and a person smoking on their balcony caled down "Hey, you guys got some company."
Huge female moose walked right by us, staring knowingly at us for a bit but not really slowing down. She clearly knew she could stomp me and my cowoker flat in a second and a half, felt like she had the lay of the land. Walked up to a nearby tree, nibbled on it a moment, walked off. Cool experience, bigger than the last moose I saw up close, by a good foot at the shoulder
Days are going by more easily. I'm glad I ook the rest of the day off yesterday but I won't let myself take ay more time off for a while. I need to work and earn my keep, payy my rent and save up money for a good foundation to return to when I come home. Need a new phone and laptop too...
Been talking with my grandfather over emails and talking to new friends online as of late. Got Lonte's friend a new card table finally. He seems to like it.
Not much horribly out of the ordinary
Yours,
Dag
Feel much better today, day just soared by. Monday the day soared by as well but Lonte felt like it dragged on. I wonder what it is that makes two different people experience thee flow of time in a single day differently. Surely there are more than a few variables. There must be something that perpetuates this slowness in activity during the day in one person's mind when another notices a quickness.
Other news I stood not twenty feet from a moose on the job today. I was raking in a yard and a person smoking on their balcony caled down "Hey, you guys got some company."
Huge female moose walked right by us, staring knowingly at us for a bit but not really slowing down. She clearly knew she could stomp me and my cowoker flat in a second and a half, felt like she had the lay of the land. Walked up to a nearby tree, nibbled on it a moment, walked off. Cool experience, bigger than the last moose I saw up close, by a good foot at the shoulder
Days are going by more easily. I'm glad I ook the rest of the day off yesterday but I won't let myself take ay more time off for a while. I need to work and earn my keep, payy my rent and save up money for a good foundation to return to when I come home. Need a new phone and laptop too...
Been talking with my grandfather over emails and talking to new friends online as of late. Got Lonte's friend a new card table finally. He seems to like it.
Not much horribly out of the ordinary
Yours,
Dag
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mother's Day and Gospel
First of all I have several people in my life that deserve the thankings and Mother's Day wishing. Happy Mother's Day, first of all, to my mother; who bore me and without which I would not exist. Happy Mother's Day to my sister; who was always there when she could when the bad time came around. She a little gruff but aren't we all? Seldom does anything come from her mouth that isn't silly that isn't correct and thought about. To Jenn, Lonte's wife, for she is my step-motheer, has accepted me into her home and family, bought nice things for me, gave me this chance for success and EVEN gave me a free massage, which was awesome. Without her I would not be here in Alaska. I give her part of may check to cover my expenses, do chores, so on. It's a symbiosis she has allowed me to keep.
Finally, in family matters, My Grandmother; who I only get to see about once a year and am passing up the chance to go to Michigan this year for this job opportunity. Next year I will plan better around the rest of the family. However, I know that right now they she is proud of me having done this job and being productive. My Grandma was there before us all and without which none of this cycle could have even gotten started. The dynamics between all of us are ultimately dependent on her decisions in the past. She is a wonderful woman and I hope she lives another 30 years! If not more. And to her dying day she'll be in her garden doing what she loves or at the donation center helping people.
I love you all very much and I am so happy to have you all in my life. Even if the times are sometimes rocky they all even out at the end of the day. We all love each other and that's what mattters.
And to the fifth person, for whom all of the above general statements still apply, You are my roommate and a true friend of me. Even if you slip sometimes I slip so much more. Though you're not a woman you ARE a mother figure, at least in my home and nobody would deny it. Whether the motherliness is making the place look pretty, nagging kids to get things dopne or booting the chicks out of the nest when it's time to go, you do it while I am away in some far away making war with wild bears and cleaning up lawns and driveways so I can make a living. How sweet of you ^^ You totally get props.
On an afternote:
I am doing well, changing, maturing, becoming less of something I was yesterday and more of something I have vowed to be tomorrow. I am hearing more things I like and gaining the ability to, in short time, shrug off the negativities of the world. There's some hard egocentricity in this world, things that are programmed into us RIGHT from birth or possibly just a bit afterward. Some people are just going to be negative to you in subtle but devastating ways because it gives them a childish sense of glee. A lot of our popular culture is based around selfishness and indulgence. Couple weeks ago I heard a song lyric that sums what our culture teaches our children through the media, "Living In Sin Is The Newest Big Thing." Steer clear of this mentality. It's right on the radio, any popular station you turn to, or at least was at one point but it, as a mindset, is NOT condusve to a healthy, fruitful lifestyle. It will drain you of your money, physical health, spiritual connection, emotional drive and mental potential. Ya, we're talking ALL facets of life here.
Now I'm not saying don't kick back a beer every so often. I'm a flawed individual, I have my own little indulgences. But they are exactly those, "Little" indulgences. Heck, every once in a while I have been known to have a REAL bash, within which something really stupid may or may not happen. Case and point, I recently had a crash in mentality and faith where I was confused and worried for my status in life as well as divinity. This happened right after a moment of indulgence and a lack of forethought based on childish whimsy. After not horribly long I went to the wisest man in my life, my Grandfather, and ased him help. Being a very devout christian our viewpoints are subtly different in many aspects. However, we both believe that to love everyone is god(s) will in truth, more or less.
I thought on what my grandfather has told me and am thinking on it constantly. It is enough to instill within me my faith once more, that much more solid and tangible in my mortal eyes. It is important to not life an unproductive life of indulgence and imbalance but even more important to live a life of love and compassion. If you slip up, remember that if your emotions are true and loving then there is some way to fix the problem. If it is clear that other prties are not willing to reciprocate then you should stay away from them. That barring there is one thing the Gods gave us lips for if nothing else; to press together in silent defiance, only opening to spread love or provide positive affirmations.
And a month or so back I wouldn't have understood that but now I made it. How nice to see.
If it's not your gospel, though, it's mine. That's the way I will live my life. I will be compassionate and lead by example when possible. I'll learn to control when to use those lips the gods gave me and I will meditate perpetually on how to better myself in a way that helps others maintain an environment where they may nurture their own self betterment and happiness. If that takes becoming the president to change the world so kids don't beat each other up to and from school for whimsy, there ya go.
There is a balance that the universe will keep whether we like it or else. The more we try to actively screw with that balance in ourselves and others the more the universe will compensate for that imbalance, most times back through us. Negativity is a LOT harder to burn off than collect.
Simply Put:
You live a life of indulgence knowingly unproductive with the intent to live only for yourself and put anyone whose convenient down to get a personl rise you will die early, unhealthy, dissatisfied and without company to love you when you need it.
You live a life of productivity: Spreading love and compassion, providing for your family and friends as best you can, keep a couple small indulgences but work to improve yourself every time you can, work to avoid your past mistakes and safeguard against new ones influencing everything positively... Well even if you die early and unhealthy you will have friends and loved ones around you who you have known and proven to also be loving individuals who you only benefit from knowing. If all we do is love, there is no room for mistakes to taint the purity of our minds.
The time of the great thinkers is not over, we have simply allowed it to atrophy. If we are to turn the "information age" from the Age of Ignorance to the Age of Enlightenment then we must use the tools of our time for forward thinking. I would rather be wise than intelligent. We have so many resources that we misuse. Wield them properly together with skill and good intent and there is no limit to what the human race can do out of mutual good will.
A Modern Philosopher In-Training,
Dag
Finally, in family matters, My Grandmother; who I only get to see about once a year and am passing up the chance to go to Michigan this year for this job opportunity. Next year I will plan better around the rest of the family. However, I know that right now they she is proud of me having done this job and being productive. My Grandma was there before us all and without which none of this cycle could have even gotten started. The dynamics between all of us are ultimately dependent on her decisions in the past. She is a wonderful woman and I hope she lives another 30 years! If not more. And to her dying day she'll be in her garden doing what she loves or at the donation center helping people.
I love you all very much and I am so happy to have you all in my life. Even if the times are sometimes rocky they all even out at the end of the day. We all love each other and that's what mattters.
And to the fifth person, for whom all of the above general statements still apply, You are my roommate and a true friend of me. Even if you slip sometimes I slip so much more. Though you're not a woman you ARE a mother figure, at least in my home and nobody would deny it. Whether the motherliness is making the place look pretty, nagging kids to get things dopne or booting the chicks out of the nest when it's time to go, you do it while I am away in some far away making war with wild bears and cleaning up lawns and driveways so I can make a living. How sweet of you ^^ You totally get props.
On an afternote:
I am doing well, changing, maturing, becoming less of something I was yesterday and more of something I have vowed to be tomorrow. I am hearing more things I like and gaining the ability to, in short time, shrug off the negativities of the world. There's some hard egocentricity in this world, things that are programmed into us RIGHT from birth or possibly just a bit afterward. Some people are just going to be negative to you in subtle but devastating ways because it gives them a childish sense of glee. A lot of our popular culture is based around selfishness and indulgence. Couple weeks ago I heard a song lyric that sums what our culture teaches our children through the media, "Living In Sin Is The Newest Big Thing." Steer clear of this mentality. It's right on the radio, any popular station you turn to, or at least was at one point but it, as a mindset, is NOT condusve to a healthy, fruitful lifestyle. It will drain you of your money, physical health, spiritual connection, emotional drive and mental potential. Ya, we're talking ALL facets of life here.
Now I'm not saying don't kick back a beer every so often. I'm a flawed individual, I have my own little indulgences. But they are exactly those, "Little" indulgences. Heck, every once in a while I have been known to have a REAL bash, within which something really stupid may or may not happen. Case and point, I recently had a crash in mentality and faith where I was confused and worried for my status in life as well as divinity. This happened right after a moment of indulgence and a lack of forethought based on childish whimsy. After not horribly long I went to the wisest man in my life, my Grandfather, and ased him help. Being a very devout christian our viewpoints are subtly different in many aspects. However, we both believe that to love everyone is god(s) will in truth, more or less.
I thought on what my grandfather has told me and am thinking on it constantly. It is enough to instill within me my faith once more, that much more solid and tangible in my mortal eyes. It is important to not life an unproductive life of indulgence and imbalance but even more important to live a life of love and compassion. If you slip up, remember that if your emotions are true and loving then there is some way to fix the problem. If it is clear that other prties are not willing to reciprocate then you should stay away from them. That barring there is one thing the Gods gave us lips for if nothing else; to press together in silent defiance, only opening to spread love or provide positive affirmations.
And a month or so back I wouldn't have understood that but now I made it. How nice to see.
If it's not your gospel, though, it's mine. That's the way I will live my life. I will be compassionate and lead by example when possible. I'll learn to control when to use those lips the gods gave me and I will meditate perpetually on how to better myself in a way that helps others maintain an environment where they may nurture their own self betterment and happiness. If that takes becoming the president to change the world so kids don't beat each other up to and from school for whimsy, there ya go.
There is a balance that the universe will keep whether we like it or else. The more we try to actively screw with that balance in ourselves and others the more the universe will compensate for that imbalance, most times back through us. Negativity is a LOT harder to burn off than collect.
Simply Put:
You live a life of indulgence knowingly unproductive with the intent to live only for yourself and put anyone whose convenient down to get a personl rise you will die early, unhealthy, dissatisfied and without company to love you when you need it.
You live a life of productivity: Spreading love and compassion, providing for your family and friends as best you can, keep a couple small indulgences but work to improve yourself every time you can, work to avoid your past mistakes and safeguard against new ones influencing everything positively... Well even if you die early and unhealthy you will have friends and loved ones around you who you have known and proven to also be loving individuals who you only benefit from knowing. If all we do is love, there is no room for mistakes to taint the purity of our minds.
The time of the great thinkers is not over, we have simply allowed it to atrophy. If we are to turn the "information age" from the Age of Ignorance to the Age of Enlightenment then we must use the tools of our time for forward thinking. I would rather be wise than intelligent. We have so many resources that we misuse. Wield them properly together with skill and good intent and there is no limit to what the human race can do out of mutual good will.
A Modern Philosopher In-Training,
Dag
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Riding Mowers and Vehicles
So that's the subject this update. Today I got to drive a riding mower, to different types; A john deere x320 and a Z-Track. Fun stuff. As I sat in the basic riding mower... well I've beenin a go-kart once or twice, even driven a car but I sadly don't have a liscenc and have some work before I get one. However, it made me yearn for the road. This thing could go fast enough for me to feel win of some sort in my hair. I wanted it more, faster, better. And I can't understand why I haven't been striving for such a thing as a car as I have for self betterment as of late in my life?
That little John Deere, though it was still a job and I had to do it right, was the first time I appreciated driving something. I felt a little freed. I could run as fast as this thing's max speed no problem but there was the luxury of not having to actually run as I dragged something behind me that scratched up the ground for airation. I can see why cars are so successful.
Then the Z-Track. That was twitchy as all getup, no steering wheel at all. Two handles that leaned out when the thing was inactive an when you put them together each side was controlled by one or the other. So I thought: Do it like Katamari Damacy: Worked like a dream. I just imagined I was the prince but instead of pushing something heavy around to suck up all the stuff I just tilted the sticks in my magic grass and debris sucker-upper of Landscaping. And you know what? Everytime I'm in that, I'm gonna listen to the opening theme, in my head! EVERY TIME! Needless to say, it very much brightened my mood and recent skeptic worldview. A bit of insignificant happy, correctly placed, makes a lot of the bad stuff no as important, or at least easier to handle.
I like my job and I like Alaska. Oregon's still my home but Alaska's where every vacation to somewhere I've already been is gonna be. And I'll even work while I'm here, because I'm even okay with that. This is a good vacation fromhome and I needed it.
Yours,
Dag
That little John Deere, though it was still a job and I had to do it right, was the first time I appreciated driving something. I felt a little freed. I could run as fast as this thing's max speed no problem but there was the luxury of not having to actually run as I dragged something behind me that scratched up the ground for airation. I can see why cars are so successful.
Then the Z-Track. That was twitchy as all getup, no steering wheel at all. Two handles that leaned out when the thing was inactive an when you put them together each side was controlled by one or the other. So I thought: Do it like Katamari Damacy: Worked like a dream. I just imagined I was the prince but instead of pushing something heavy around to suck up all the stuff I just tilted the sticks in my magic grass and debris sucker-upper of Landscaping. And you know what? Everytime I'm in that, I'm gonna listen to the opening theme, in my head! EVERY TIME! Needless to say, it very much brightened my mood and recent skeptic worldview. A bit of insignificant happy, correctly placed, makes a lot of the bad stuff no as important, or at least easier to handle.
I like my job and I like Alaska. Oregon's still my home but Alaska's where every vacation to somewhere I've already been is gonna be. And I'll even work while I'm here, because I'm even okay with that. This is a good vacation fromhome and I needed it.
Yours,
Dag
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Understanding and Compromise
The days are only getting longer and I seem to be wearing down on this whole excitement bit already. I got to stand a couple dozen feet, if that, away from a bull moose. just yesterday and I had to hold back laughter. Why you ask; I was so awestruck by being that close to a piece of nature, so active, so vibrant in it's on earthy ways, that I had to stifling scoffing to believe if it was real. Once I remembered that I am, in point of fact, still real and here, I remembered this thing coud really stomp me to death in a couple seconds.
Lonte told me "God forbid, if that moose starts chargin us, for whatever reason, you just find a good strong tree," He indicated the gnarled old wide tree we stood next to, half broken down but big enough and awkwardly placed in such a way that if a moose tripped over it the poor thing would probably break a leg or two, "and just keep that tree between it and you."
"They don't do that run around tree ting very well?" I asked
"Nah," he whispered back at me, "Not really all that good at the whatchamacallit." I had to stifle a laugh then but the moose didn't seem to hear nor care, though I don't know how, we were so close.
Though this was an amazing thing and probably won't wear itself out in any amount of time I woke this morning feeling a bit more tired than I woke up yesterday. (Which has been a consistency in my life since arriving) However, it is steadier, easier to change to than the day to days of back home, the chaos that I had allowed it to become. I'll definitely go back but Alaska is having a weathering affect on me. I feel when I come back I'll be used to a gradual wear and tear. I think the craziness back home will affect me less, especially since I'll be going back to a husehold of three to manage instead of seven... I'm glad for it.
On a similar note I am learning to exercise authority better; not more imposingly but with better compromise. I'm far away from trying to be a parent and instead trying to be an older brother. Gone, at least for the summer, are the days of Uncle David. Big Brother is the word now. I don't have the same rights a parent does, obviously. I can't doll out spankings nor would I want to if I could. But I have the ability to hold the status of what they have done over them, if only as a reminder of what they should be doing. When things get rocky I don't lash out though I have noticed myself raising voice a few times, if only for emphasis. I'm put in charge as a babysitter, anything to help.
I haven't told anyone to go stand in a corner yet. I just keep the same solid tone, as I am not gonna back down, discourage whining and let the child know that it isn't going to sway the case and thereafter treat him like a person, if a person with overdeveloped sensitivities who doesn't understand all the concepts I do.
For instance; today I have been put on babysitting my youngest brother. I'm glad to say the kid is doing a great job of entertaining himself. He came to me after half the day of staring at a colorful slave box of one sort or the other (TV and Nintendo DS) and asked if he could watch TV. I told him I thought he'd been on electronics enough until his parents get back and he proceeded to whine and throw a mope session on the couch. I pretty much expected it and then sat down and we had a man to man talk, or as close to Icould have with him about convenience, what it was and how important his was over anyone else's; none. Nobody's comvenience was more important than anyone else's and how I wanted to compromise with him that he hadwasted half the day watching screens and now he just ha to wait until one of his parents back and then ask them.
This took about three minutes. Kid catches onto a good point quick. Afterward we had a few very good conversations; responsibility, adulthood. I hadn't exected this five year old kid brother of mine to know what so much was. He had a hard time grasping some things but the kid understands more than he likes us to give him credit for. To be fair, he wasn't supposed to be on the electronics anymore but that was a discretional thing that they would have agreed to. However, as we were talking about what it was to be an adult I mentioned how adults got to have cars
"Teenagers get to drive cars." he told me surely."
"Ya," I put in, "But teenagers get to drivemom and dad's car. Adults like mommy and daddy have their OWN cars." His eyes went wide like he was processing some gigantic truth. The sudden realization of it all looked like it was shocking his head off, "But," I then added beore the dogs started barking. I told them to "shut it" as Jenn walked into the house, "But being an adult means you have to get the car yourself. It's taking responsibility to get the things you want by yourself for yourself. Right Jenn?"
She didn't know at first but I reiterated and she answered, "Yep, that's pretty much it."
I hadn't though of beig a big brother before to the people in my life, "If Malakai's the mother," I have heard from more people than one, "Then Dag is DEFINITELY the father of this household."
I used to loom on it but what young adult respects their father? But big brother, that's an easier job indeed! It's all about learning compromise and setting a good example, being a role model.
One time I told my partner, "I have viewed you as a role model, he who I model myself into the role of. You didn't ask for this and I have no right to hold you in such a place"
Well I did ask to be used as a role model; to the universe and sometimes, much to my disgust, other people who I have brainwashed myself into thinking need help from me directly, that they "need" to model themselves after me for some grandeur based illusion in my head but it isn't so. If I am to be aa king of my own life and role model to all people, reasonable or oherwise, I need to learn to be a big brother more, with compromise and abidance. I need to learn that not all people want to change and who am I to hoist my role onto them. Those who are role models don't ask; They simply act in the world they wish it to act in return to them. They want to be treated in such a way sothy treat all those they see the same way. "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." So said Ghandi.
Instead of being caught in the negativity of Expectation I will work to live in compassion and compromise.
Lonte told me "God forbid, if that moose starts chargin us, for whatever reason, you just find a good strong tree," He indicated the gnarled old wide tree we stood next to, half broken down but big enough and awkwardly placed in such a way that if a moose tripped over it the poor thing would probably break a leg or two, "and just keep that tree between it and you."
"They don't do that run around tree ting very well?" I asked
"Nah," he whispered back at me, "Not really all that good at the whatchamacallit." I had to stifle a laugh then but the moose didn't seem to hear nor care, though I don't know how, we were so close.
Though this was an amazing thing and probably won't wear itself out in any amount of time I woke this morning feeling a bit more tired than I woke up yesterday. (Which has been a consistency in my life since arriving) However, it is steadier, easier to change to than the day to days of back home, the chaos that I had allowed it to become. I'll definitely go back but Alaska is having a weathering affect on me. I feel when I come back I'll be used to a gradual wear and tear. I think the craziness back home will affect me less, especially since I'll be going back to a husehold of three to manage instead of seven... I'm glad for it.
On a similar note I am learning to exercise authority better; not more imposingly but with better compromise. I'm far away from trying to be a parent and instead trying to be an older brother. Gone, at least for the summer, are the days of Uncle David. Big Brother is the word now. I don't have the same rights a parent does, obviously. I can't doll out spankings nor would I want to if I could. But I have the ability to hold the status of what they have done over them, if only as a reminder of what they should be doing. When things get rocky I don't lash out though I have noticed myself raising voice a few times, if only for emphasis. I'm put in charge as a babysitter, anything to help.
I haven't told anyone to go stand in a corner yet. I just keep the same solid tone, as I am not gonna back down, discourage whining and let the child know that it isn't going to sway the case and thereafter treat him like a person, if a person with overdeveloped sensitivities who doesn't understand all the concepts I do.
For instance; today I have been put on babysitting my youngest brother. I'm glad to say the kid is doing a great job of entertaining himself. He came to me after half the day of staring at a colorful slave box of one sort or the other (TV and Nintendo DS) and asked if he could watch TV. I told him I thought he'd been on electronics enough until his parents get back and he proceeded to whine and throw a mope session on the couch. I pretty much expected it and then sat down and we had a man to man talk, or as close to Icould have with him about convenience, what it was and how important his was over anyone else's; none. Nobody's comvenience was more important than anyone else's and how I wanted to compromise with him that he hadwasted half the day watching screens and now he just ha to wait until one of his parents back and then ask them.
This took about three minutes. Kid catches onto a good point quick. Afterward we had a few very good conversations; responsibility, adulthood. I hadn't exected this five year old kid brother of mine to know what so much was. He had a hard time grasping some things but the kid understands more than he likes us to give him credit for. To be fair, he wasn't supposed to be on the electronics anymore but that was a discretional thing that they would have agreed to. However, as we were talking about what it was to be an adult I mentioned how adults got to have cars
"Teenagers get to drive cars." he told me surely."
"Ya," I put in, "But teenagers get to drivemom and dad's car. Adults like mommy and daddy have their OWN cars." His eyes went wide like he was processing some gigantic truth. The sudden realization of it all looked like it was shocking his head off, "But," I then added beore the dogs started barking. I told them to "shut it" as Jenn walked into the house, "But being an adult means you have to get the car yourself. It's taking responsibility to get the things you want by yourself for yourself. Right Jenn?"
She didn't know at first but I reiterated and she answered, "Yep, that's pretty much it."
I hadn't though of beig a big brother before to the people in my life, "If Malakai's the mother," I have heard from more people than one, "Then Dag is DEFINITELY the father of this household."
I used to loom on it but what young adult respects their father? But big brother, that's an easier job indeed! It's all about learning compromise and setting a good example, being a role model.
One time I told my partner, "I have viewed you as a role model, he who I model myself into the role of. You didn't ask for this and I have no right to hold you in such a place"
Well I did ask to be used as a role model; to the universe and sometimes, much to my disgust, other people who I have brainwashed myself into thinking need help from me directly, that they "need" to model themselves after me for some grandeur based illusion in my head but it isn't so. If I am to be aa king of my own life and role model to all people, reasonable or oherwise, I need to learn to be a big brother more, with compromise and abidance. I need to learn that not all people want to change and who am I to hoist my role onto them. Those who are role models don't ask; They simply act in the world they wish it to act in return to them. They want to be treated in such a way sothy treat all those they see the same way. "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." So said Ghandi.
Instead of being caught in the negativity of Expectation I will work to live in compassion and compromise.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Working With Myself
Discovering some tough little patches, more in my psyche than anything else. I'm accepting things about myself and denying other things that I've taken too long to come to terms wiith. Things are moving steadily in work but I'm not sure of myself. I don't feel I have much in common with people here.
Don't ask me why, just call it a hunch...
However, I see hope for myself. Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I've been reading a book called Wize Wayz For Teenz, which is more geared toward adults than anyone would think the cover would state. Full of happy little affirmations and handy quotes from figures from the bible to Albert Enstien to Ghandi and then some. It's a nice book and I implore people to read it
Lately I've had a fuzzy feeling in my head, like it was full of cotton but all the same thinking deeper, more clearly. It's not like I have a choice but my vision is brighter. (Not clearer but brighter)The things that stick out to me that I like are that much more prominent and the things that I dislike are better wreathed in my conscious mind. Things around me are changing in view, not that they are actually visibly changing but to my eyes, as of late, it might as well be different. Sometimes I look at things and see them caricatured. Sometimes I look at people when they are saying something hurtful or that I don't like and the air they breath becomes darker, even if their bodies are bright and pleasant to see.
I can't explain it but I think the way I'm going is best nonetheless. I am walking my path, whether or not it pleases me at this moment. I don't know why but something tells me it's how it's supposed to be. The voices in my head, the ones I use to think, not some schizo whatever, are clearer as well. I can hear myself and the different fractions of my personality better. My coping mechanisms work more efficiently. Maybe I'm developing, maybe not.
There's an act of faith in it all, I suppose. If this is getting closer to enlightenment then it is something I simply CANNOT dwell upon. Something that I can't define if telling me to keep foing what I am doing and my logical mind is telling me that I'm not doing anything "wrong" yet I am experiencing self doubt more and more. Is this a challenge from "above" or just another bit of motion everyone must go through and find their own way into?
So this blog update, not so literal as philosophical. I guess it's a bunch of stuff I need to clear from my mind.
Don't ask me why, just call it a hunch...
However, I see hope for myself. Tomorrow's a new day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I've been reading a book called Wize Wayz For Teenz, which is more geared toward adults than anyone would think the cover would state. Full of happy little affirmations and handy quotes from figures from the bible to Albert Enstien to Ghandi and then some. It's a nice book and I implore people to read it
Lately I've had a fuzzy feeling in my head, like it was full of cotton but all the same thinking deeper, more clearly. It's not like I have a choice but my vision is brighter. (Not clearer but brighter)The things that stick out to me that I like are that much more prominent and the things that I dislike are better wreathed in my conscious mind. Things around me are changing in view, not that they are actually visibly changing but to my eyes, as of late, it might as well be different. Sometimes I look at things and see them caricatured. Sometimes I look at people when they are saying something hurtful or that I don't like and the air they breath becomes darker, even if their bodies are bright and pleasant to see.
I can't explain it but I think the way I'm going is best nonetheless. I am walking my path, whether or not it pleases me at this moment. I don't know why but something tells me it's how it's supposed to be. The voices in my head, the ones I use to think, not some schizo whatever, are clearer as well. I can hear myself and the different fractions of my personality better. My coping mechanisms work more efficiently. Maybe I'm developing, maybe not.
There's an act of faith in it all, I suppose. If this is getting closer to enlightenment then it is something I simply CANNOT dwell upon. Something that I can't define if telling me to keep foing what I am doing and my logical mind is telling me that I'm not doing anything "wrong" yet I am experiencing self doubt more and more. Is this a challenge from "above" or just another bit of motion everyone must go through and find their own way into?
So this blog update, not so literal as philosophical. I guess it's a bunch of stuff I need to clear from my mind.
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